I forgive you (a practice of anaflora poetry)

I forgive you-
not because of the way your lip curled before the tears came
Red faced, beast creature of nightmares
when the temper took hold
because as I began to grow and learn
that it was a cycle that passed onto you, too
and I wish to break it
that I cannot be who I was meant to be
if I’m always afraid of becoming you.

I forgive you-
not because you asked for it
or admitted it
or how long it took me to accept what had happened
and the memory of how silent the mattress screamed
That love can hurt you deeper when your trust is betrayed
(and yes, it counts as that, even then)
But because I know that I cannot heal
Without it.

I forgive you-
because I forgive myself
that the memory of the good things
far outweigh the bad – and even angry
You gave me the two best gifts of my life
And in the end, we weigh our sins and find that they
Aren’t as unequal as we thought
and there’s little to forgive,
But I’ve learned to let it go.

I forgive you-
(self)
For the way that you always let yourself
Fall down again, and again
For the way that you sometime stutter
when you speak-
For the way your hands tremble when the pressure gets hard
Because I know that this flawed encasement
is meant to be imperfect, and I will grow.